Tell Me Now I Can Get Through This
Let me tell you it’s been a shit week. I hope yours was good but mine was really, really shit. Both my mental state and my physical body feels battered. So tomorrow I go off to the doctors for some tests and help.
Over the last few months I’ve been experiencing issues with my chest.
There have been a few occasions where I’ve been hit with the most horrendous burning in the ribcage, to the point I feel heavy weight on me as I try to breathe. Times like this before I have gone to the doctor for them to tell me there is nothing wrong; after a heart exam and blood tests.
I had a really bad episode of this last weekend and spent the subsequent days feeling sick and unable to eat without being hit by severe pain.
I wandered off to the Doc then to discuss this but was met by possibly the most unhelpful Dr I have ever had the displeasure of speaking with. The meeting was so strange I thought it might be reality TV where James Corden might pop out and surprise me camera in tow. So that’s not the mindset you want when you’re going into intimate detail about your diet and exercise issues.
Back in September I pulled myself off anti-depressant medication with the view to trying something new. I’d been on it for 3 years and although during the first 2 years taking the medication I had seen a great improvement with both low mood and crippling anxiety, this wasn’t really the case this previous year.
We shall see she says to me
Wish away your hurt
Try to change each day you fear
To find a little love.
Looking back over the last 12 months I have had periods of extreme anxiety and lack of motivation. There’s been many a battle played out in my mind and it’s left me feeling tired, angry, sad and fretful so I guarded myself for a real fallout withdrawing my medication. But nothing happened.
Day after day I felt the same as if I was on a normal dose of medication, I felt quite good from that; thinking I had turned a corner and could live without medication while dealing with mood swings as they might come. But no, something changed.
I have to admit 2 weeks ago I was on holiday from work. I took my son to Legoland for a day of fun and then spent the following days doing things – organizing for my sons school.
In my head I started to notice feelings of anxiety and negativity. I cannot tell you what I’m anxious of, all I can tell you is that I am anxious. Everything moves at a fast pace when I’m anxious. It’s like I am setting myself targets to ensure tasks are completed within record breaking timing. This probably makes absolutely zero sense, however, it’s the best way I can describe my feelings.
With all of this in mind, and my mental health taking a further decline whilst I battle with the ailments my physical health has brought, I opened up to the Doctor. But he was dismissive. I felt like I was wasting his time. I explained how I felt with regards to my previous medication and he hastily wrote out a prescription for Prozac explaining if this didn’t work there’s little else left (which is untrue).
I’m hopeful the new medication will help get me back on as normal as I can.
Rather than more medication I am thinking speaking to a therapist might be a way forwards. Group therapies work wonders for me in the short term and I can sometimes build that into a long term plan by going out every few weeks. Possibly a course of hypnotherapy or NLP might be worth trying as well.
I hate feeling down and tense
I hate feeling stressed so much.
I hate feeling like I am defeated by everything.
I hate worrying all of the time
Trying to relive life’s mistakes in my mind
Often there are problems that wern’t even mine to start with
But lets hope I can turn this corner
Ready for change.
I want to wake up every day with more energy. energy to get me up and carry me through the day. My heart feels heavy at the moment but I hope its not for long. Life felt a lot easier back when I was young, even though I had many challenges to deal with then as well.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow.